When I
was very young, I remember that I do not like to wear skirt, I remember I like
playing with cars, trucks, guns and boyish stuff. I remember being train to performed
dance in kindergarten with holding dolls in my hand and I have the biggest doll
but I exchange for a smaller one because I don’t like it. I remember I was
given the choice to wear kimono to kindergarten or not allow to go to the
kindergarten. I remember I was crying the whole time from putting the kimono on
and at the kindergarten. I remember I exchange my Red Indian hat for a crown. I
remember I was again force to wear dress to have a dinner in the restaurant on
top of Komtar in Penang, Malaysia. I remember I have crush with a girl in
primary school. I remember being very active in primary school, climbing up and
down in the PE storeroom to get some stuff while the boys standing around and
do nothing. I was selected as the class monitor and I would not let the boys
over power me.
When I was standard 4 and standard 5, I have a major
crush on few girls (my classmate and school mate). I was courting them with all
I can. Buying gifts for them, doing things for them and etc. It was all girls’
school and for some weird reason, I was always bullied by my classmate and
teachers and I cried nearly every day. I don’t understand why. It sound funny
because I was the strong, aggressive tomboy in the class but I was bullied in
another way. Maybe my classmates hates me from being tomboy and annoying. I
think I understand now why that happen, maybe I just don’t fit in there, I
should fit better in a boys’ school or a mixed school.
When I have period for the first time in my life at the
age of 13, I was freak out. I did not tell anyone at all and just cope it
myself.
I have my first girlfriend at the age of 14 or 15 I
think. It was a very long courting process and I could not believe that she
actually accept me. So I was officially a LESBIAN but I never felt right being
label as a lesbian. Whenever people ask me, I always say I think lesbian is
between two girls. Girly girls and not between tomboy and girl. I have always
see myself as a guy in a relationship. I did what guys would normally do in
relationship. Now, I was always filled with plenty of guilt. I always think
that I have change my girlfriend or ex-girlfriends into lesbian. Of cause the
guilt is even greater when I have sexual relationship with them. The guilt with
become such a massive burden when I broke up with them. I could never forgive
myself from changing them. Oh well, that was my mentally back them.
Of cause we never held hands in the public due to my
girlfriend(s) reputation. Which I always think that way, until once when I went
to KL with one of my ex (then my gf) she tried to hold my hand and I refuse.
Since then, I knew it was me that could not accept myself. Cut the bullshyt of
for my ex(s) reputation.
I start binding my chest around 16 years old. I still
strongly feel that being labelled as lesbian is wrong. I hated other tomboys
because all I could see from them were trying to get attention from girls. I
felt they are being boyish just for the fame.
I start working part time when I was 16 as well. I
absolutely hate it when I was given female uniform and I absolutely hate it to
be known as xxxxxxxx. Which is my very girly birth name. I hate going to public
toilet. I have been chase out from girl’s toilet before and have got weird
stares from girls. Well you know how girls like to go to toilet and be bitchy
and check out every other girls in the toilet. I will try to avoid going to
toilet if I could or look for disable far away in a shopping mall.
I remember going to camp which organize by scouts, where
scouts will team up with girl guides from various girls school and the scout
leader asks my patrol leader who am I cause he never sees me before. He though
that I was one of the scouts.
Well that is pretty much my life time story pre college.
