My life - pre college

When I was very young, I remember that I do not like to wear skirt, I remember I like playing with cars, trucks, guns and boyish stuff. I remember being train to performed dance in kindergarten with holding dolls in my hand and I have the biggest doll but I exchange for a smaller one because I don’t like it. I remember I was given the choice to wear kimono to kindergarten or not allow to go to the kindergarten. I remember I was crying the whole time from putting the kimono on and at the kindergarten. I remember I exchange my Red Indian hat for a crown. I remember I was again force to wear dress to have a dinner in the restaurant on top of Komtar in Penang, Malaysia. I remember I have crush with a girl in primary school. I remember being very active in primary school, climbing up and down in the PE storeroom to get some stuff while the boys standing around and do nothing. I was selected as the class monitor and I would not let the boys over power me.

When I was standard 4 and standard 5, I have a major crush on few girls (my classmate and school mate). I was courting them with all I can. Buying gifts for them, doing things for them and etc. It was all girls’ school and for some weird reason, I was always bullied by my classmate and teachers and I cried nearly every day. I don’t understand why. It sound funny because I was the strong, aggressive tomboy in the class but I was bullied in another way. Maybe my classmates hates me from being tomboy and annoying. I think I understand now why that happen, maybe I just don’t fit in there, I should fit better in a boys’ school or a mixed school.

When I have period for the first time in my life at the age of 13, I was freak out. I did not tell anyone at all and just cope it myself.

I have my first girlfriend at the age of 14 or 15 I think. It was a very long courting process and I could not believe that she actually accept me. So I was officially a LESBIAN but I never felt right being label as a lesbian. Whenever people ask me, I always say I think lesbian is between two girls. Girly girls and not between tomboy and girl. I have always see myself as a guy in a relationship. I did what guys would normally do in relationship. Now, I was always filled with plenty of guilt. I always think that I have change my girlfriend or ex-girlfriends into lesbian. Of cause the guilt is even greater when I have sexual relationship with them. The guilt with become such a massive burden when I broke up with them. I could never forgive myself from changing them. Oh well, that was my mentally back them.

Of cause we never held hands in the public due to my girlfriend(s) reputation. Which I always think that way, until once when I went to KL with one of my ex (then my gf) she tried to hold my hand and I refuse. Since then, I knew it was me that could not accept myself. Cut the bullshyt of for my ex(s) reputation.

I start binding my chest around 16 years old. I still strongly feel that being labelled as lesbian is wrong. I hated other tomboys because all I could see from them were trying to get attention from girls. I felt they are being boyish just for the fame.

I start working part time when I was 16 as well. I absolutely hate it when I was given female uniform and I absolutely hate it to be known as xxxxxxxx. Which is my very girly birth name. I hate going to public toilet. I have been chase out from girl’s toilet before and have got weird stares from girls. Well you know how girls like to go to toilet and be bitchy and check out every other girls in the toilet. I will try to avoid going to toilet if I could or look for disable far away in a shopping mall.

I remember going to camp which organize by scouts, where scouts will team up with girl guides from various girls school and the scout leader asks my patrol leader who am I cause he never sees me before. He though that I was one of the scouts.

Well that is pretty much my life time story pre college. 

Day 4 & 5 - 1st stage thigh free flap phalloplasty

Day 4

2^nd  day post op

My skin graft donor site still oozing a lot. The nurse had to change my dressing again. My right leg (skin graft donor site) was in stinging pain. I would score it 5/6 from the scale 1 to 10 where 10 is the most painful. I don’t particularly feel any pain on my left leg but it’s very weak. I am not able to lift my left leg up and down from the bed and need help from the nurse to do so.

Today I finally get out of bed with the help of the nurse. The nurse help to wash me while I am sitting in the washroom.

The physiologist visit me today to show me how to do exercise and how to walk again. She bring some walking frame for me after gauging how much support I need by holding her hand while walking. She also told me to do breathing exercise as well. Standing up and take a deep breath so that my lung will expend to the maximum. She was with me for around 20mins I think.

I lost my appetite after breakfast. I think it was because I get out of bed, I feel sick as well. I was controlling my breathing to stop myself from throwing up. I then just lay on the bed to rest and felt a lot better later in the evening. I have some biscuits and tea around 4pm.

I also open my bowel for the first time, it was done with a little struggle. I felt very sleepy and tired.

I spend my time watching the TV and lying on bed.

I have my blood pressure, temperature, O2 level and phallo pulse check every 2 hours.

While I was in pain and lying down on the bed helplessly, I actually question myself. I asked myself why did I put myself through all these. I was a healthy fit young lad 3 days ago and now I am a helpless guy lying on the bed with so much pain. I guess I wasn’t mentally prepare for all these post-surgery effect. It just too much to take.

Day 5

3^rd day post op

I felt a lot better today and my appetite is back to normal. My blood pressure, temperature, O2 level and pulse were checked every 4 hours instead or 2. My neo-phallo is strong and healthy.

The physiologist visit me in the morning after the breakfast. The physiologist suggest me to use crutches instead of frame today, and it turn out that I would do with just walking stick. She teach me how to walk with walking stick and tell me try to walk around more. I could get out of bed more easily today however my left leg is still very weak.

I decided to wash my hair as my hair was very greasy. I sat on the chair in the toilet and wash my hair by leaning over to the bathtub and used the shower.

I was told that the doctor suggest to expose the skin graft area to the air. Well, that was… hell… It was so painful. I score it 20+++ on the scale 1 to 10. I was grueling on my bed, it was too painful that I had to buzz the nurse and ask for more pain killer. I tried to listen to music and calm myself down, I tried to sleep to ignore the pain but it was just too much. Initially the plan was to expose it for more than 2 hours but the nurse cover it earlier as she see that I was in so much pain. After the covering the wound I still can feel a very strong pain in there. I would scale it 7 / 8. 

My right leg which have horrible pain. Skin graft donor site.

Day 3 - 1st stage thigh free flap phalloplasty

Day 3

1^st day post op

I did not have a great sleep throughout the night as I was checked by the nurse every hour. The vac dressing on my free flap donor site wasn’t working because there is a leak somewhere. The doctor took the free flap about 13cm x 25 cm to create the phallo on my left thigh and uses skin graft from my right thigh to cover the free flap wound. So the vacuum dressing will remove any air or liquid to create an environment which ‘force’ the skin graft to ‘stick’ to the area. My skin graft donor site were oozing a lot. The nurse check both my thigh and then called Mr Christopher for advice. He said change the dressing on my skin graft donor site but leave the dressing on my free flap donor site as changing the dressing there will risk the skin graft to fall off. Changing the dressing for my skin graft donor site wasn’t too bad as the wound is still wet, the dressing came off easily.

I am still wearing the special legging and both the shin area were wrap in a special massage 'thing' which will massage my leg to reduce the risk of getting blood clog. I also have injection on my tummy area where it will thin my blood, again to reduce the risk of getting blood clog.

I was antibiotic through the IV drip and some sort of pain killer through the drip as well. I wasn’t given any morphine pump where you can press the button and it will release some morphine into the IV drip. I could feel the pain in skin graft donor site but not much pain in the other. However the free flap donor site is a lot weaker than skin graft donor leg.

I start to eat and drink normal now. I have catheter in and I still could not get out from the bed. The nurse came and help me wipe my whole body on the bed.

Today the nurse came and check me every 2 hour instead of one hour. 

PS: Please do not use the photo without permission. Thank you

My lovely thigh before surgery.

After Surgery.

Left Leg: free flap donor site with vac dressing, Right Leg: skin graft donor site.

Day 2 - 1st stage thigh free flap phalloplasty

Day 2

Operation Day

I woke up around 5am. I first went to have a shower and wash myself with the pink antiseptic soap.

After shower, I change to the hospital gown and continue my sleep while waiting for the nurses, anesthetists and mt surgeon to visit me. The nurses came in around 7am to check if I am ready. Then around 8am the anesthetists came, introduce himself and asked me pre-surgery question then left. After a while Mr Christopher came and explained to me again what he is going to do and get my consent. He told me he will be creating the flap from my left thigh, I was surprise and shock because during all the consultations I had with him, he has always checked my right thigh and I think he briefly mention before that he will take it from the right however if there is no suitable blood vessel and etc, he will move it to the left thigh. However I could not confirmed this so if you are reading this, make sure you ask him clearly and noted it down properly. He mention that it is easier to harvest it from the left thigh. I was a little worried as my left thigh is slightly thicker than my right thigh and I do not want to end up with a big fat phallo. I think this happen because when I have my consultant with him, he hardly done any full thigh phallo yet.  He then asked me if I have any preference of the leght of my phallo, he said he will make it 13cm which is about 5inch which is the average size and if it's bigger than that I might have a big bulge in my trousers later on. I don't know why I agreed to him at that point because I was hoping for 5.5inch. He asked me if I have any question for him I said no and he get me to sign the consent form and left.

Around 9am the ward manager came and walk me to the theater. He asked me if Mr Christopher have draw on my thigh and I said no, he then inform Mr Christopher'd colleagues that he haven't draw on my thigh. Mr Christopher colleagues came over and spoke to me and confirmed with me that my donor site will be from my left thigh, I said yes and he seems confuse. He then spoke to Mr Christopher and both walk over to me and confirmed it with me that he will be using my left thigh. I took the opportunity to ask him if he going to use my right leg because it's thinner than my left. He then pinch my left thigh and say that is fine, he will be able to thin it a little after harvesting the flap. Then both of them leave me with the anesthetists. To be honest, I am a little confuse with the reaction from Mr Christopher reaction. I guess that happens because I am Mr Christopher's first few patients which have a thigh phallo from scratch.

The anesthetists and others than came over and speak to me. He is extremely nice and funny guy. The nurse (I think) start placing the IV drips on my left hand. Sara, Mr Christopher clinic nurse was also there which I have communicate with her over email a couple of times but never meet her before. The anesthetists then chat with me and Sara. The anesthetists then suggest me to inject all them myself, I though he was joking and he place it to the IV drip and told me to press the syringe. When I am injecting myself with the second or third massive syringe with white stuff in it, I then slowly doze off.

The next thing I remember was being call to wake up and told that the surgery was over. I think I keep murmuring 'what is the time? what is the time' because I don't want my gf to be waiting for me. I fall back to sleep and wake up a couple of times. I remember vomit at first and I saw some blurry image around the recovery room while I awake in between. I also remember they were cheering when they hear some sound. - Which later I found out it's the pulse from my phallo.

After x o'clock, I was sent back to my room. All I could do is just sleep as I was still recovering from the anesthetics. My gf arrive not long after and spend some time with me, I then told her to go back to hotel to get some rest as I would only be sleeping. The nurse came and check my blood pressure, O2 level in my blood, body temperature and used a special device which magnify the pulsing sound in my phallo every hour.

I did not eat anything on that night as I don't have any appetite at all. 

My thoughts...

I am a member of a few forums and group. I joined all the group with one obvious intention, to gain as much information as I need. I will scan though all the old posts and stuff to look for the information that I want before I post the questions. I have notice that now a days, lots of newbie will join the forum and post question straight away. I also notice there are some rude member who thinks they know it all. I found that it is extremely annoying. Where are all the manners? I walked this path on my own, I did all the research before I ask any question in those groups, why can't those newbies do the same? I absolutely hate people that expect to be spoon feed. That's why I have always be observer in the forums and groups. 

Now that I am at one of the last stage in my transition and I wish to help some sincere people that looks for information, advises or help. However I just cannot bring myself to post anything else in the forum, hence this blog is being create. 

It's so sad that this world is full of haters and pessimistic. While some people put efforts in doing good things, there will always be some haters and pessimistic people who post negative comments.

Day 1 - 1st stage thigh free flap phalloplasty

I have been given green light for lower surgery since February 2011 however due to some reasons I have to put it off until recently. I will write about it later. Below is my experience going through my 1st stage phalloplasty. I have opt for Radial Artery Phalloplasty (thigh free flap phalloplasty) by Mr Christopher from St Peter's Andrology Centre London.

Day 1

Admission to hospital for 1st stage phalloplasty

After researching and reading through other people recommendation and experience, I brought with me some toiletries, towels, comic books, playbook, one t-shirt, one shirt, jumper, one tracksuit bottoms, baby wipes and slipper. 

The St John and St Elizabeth hospital provides shower gel, shampoo, towels and etc. So if you are reading this for surgery preparation, I would advice only bring a nightwear for your first night, slipper and something to entertain yourself. You only need to wear your own clothes when you arrive the hospital and leaving the hospital. The rest of the time you will be wearing hospital gown. 

I arrived at the hospital about 6 o'clock in the evening. I then spoke to receptionist at main reception, after through the files and system, I was told to take the lift to second floor to St Francis ward. I went in to my room, feeling really weird as I always travel and stay in hotels. After 5 minutes or so, a nurse came in and speak to me. She check with me my details and place a tag around my wrist. After that she take my blood pressure reading, weight, height and ask me those regular pre-operation questions. She also measured my leg to get the right size legging to reduce the risk of getting blood clog.

I then told to fast stating from midnight. I will need to fast for 8hrs before the surgery. I was also told that Mr C would come and speak to me tomorrow morning before the surgery. I asked her roughly what time I'll be back in my room as my girlfriend will only come and visit me tomorrow, she said the surgery might finish around 3 / 4 o'clock but I'll have to stay in recovery room due to being on general anesthetic for long hours, so I'll be back to my room around 5/6 o'clock. 

Around 6.30 pm, a guy came in to take the menu card from me. I quickly place my order and told him I would like to have the dinner now. He refuse to serve me food as he thought that I was going into the theater tonight. I then told him that I am only going to the theater tomorrow morning and he bring my dinner over after a while.

Around 7.20pm, a doctor came in to do my admission check-in. He asked those usual health questions again, then check my pulse and breathing. We chatted a while regarding the surgery as he is curious about it. He did mention that I could choose not to answer him if I'm not feeling comfortable at all.

Then around 7.45 another guy came in and took 4 tubes of my blood for some blood test. I was then left alone for the rest of the night.

PS: If the nurse ask you where would you prefer the wrist band, make sure you place it on your right wrist instead of left because the drips will fix on your left hand.

Introduction

I am 27 this year. I was born in Malaysia, a lovely multicultural country which are being badly corrupted at the moment. In Malaysia, the government does not specifically mention that transition is legal nor illegal. However if you are Muslim, then under the national Sharia Law (Muslim religous law), it is forbidden. You can chose to start your treatment therapy or operations if you have to money. However you could not change your gender and name on birth certificate, Identity Card and Passport. They are some who manage to change their name legally by some mean, there were few cases which a transgender person have challenge the court to get their name or gender change. However the last outcome in 2011 was denied. 

Currently I am living and working in the UK and have transition since 2009. One year after I came to the UK. I have all my official documents in my correct name and gender which I am very pleased but there are consequences with it.

I started my hormone therapy in Feb 2009, had mastectomy surgery (chest reconstruction surgery) in March 2010, full hysterectomy (ovaries and uterus removal) in Jan 2012 and just had my 1st stage phalloplasty (creation of penis).

I was writing down my day to day experience from this surgery and though I could do it with a blog. I had had one blog previously however I fail to maintain it and I have close it down. Hopefully I will find some time and put more effort into this blog.

My journey was never easy. In a way, it was not a choice for me to transition. My friends were very supportive and some told me they envy my 'braveness' for opting to transition. I don't know how to react sometimes, because it sound like you are telling a pregnant women that she is brave to go through the pregnancy and give birth.. So, it is does look like it's an option to transition or not, however it is something that have to be done. I hope you are able to understand what I a trying to explain here.

I hope that my friends back home will start to learn and adapt my new name and using the correct pronounce when identifying meas it meant a lot for me.